In my past life, I changed my personality with the wind. I shifted to suit whatever environment I was in. I lost all sense of who I really was.
I was so worried about what people thought of me, that I did what everyone else wanted or expected of me. I did that for so long that I didn't even know what it was that I wanted anymore. Over time, I became unrecognizable.
Somewhere in my early 40's, I wanted to find myself again. Her are some things I did to be more authentic:
1. I stopped apologizing for who I was or what I loved.
I love what, and whom, I love. I don't apologize for who I am. This is the person I was create to be. When I apologize for who I am or what I love, I send the message to myself that I am not enough and need to be fixed. I spent lots of years apologizing for who I was; I felt like a burden to other people. Today, however, I realize that I don't need to apologize for the fact that I struggle with depression and anxiety. What I now understand is that I am exactly who I am and it's beautiful at times, chaotic at times, and sometimes both.
2. I have my own beliefs.
I am curious about things. I have been this way since I was a kid - about what I was told, what I heard and what I saw. I don't need to accept things as they are. I used to let what others said affect me a lot. I would even let others' opinions of me affect my self-worth. Today I find this funny because I realize that there is no "one and only truth." What people say and do is about them, not about me. I have learned that it is okay to be okay with my curiosity about life and form my own beliefs and opinions.
3. I ask myself what my motivations are.
This is something I have to do on a regular basis. My ego can look like a thousand different things, and if I don't slow down and try to understand what my motivations are, it can run my life. In my past, I was a people-pleaser, a caretaker, a worrier. I wanted people to like me and to think I was a good person. I used to say things that I thought people would want to hear. Is my motivation true to who I am? Or is it run by a need of approval? I am constantly checking in with my motivation.
4. I trust my gut.
If something feels wrong, there is a reason. There's been many times where I've ignored my gut feeling, and regretted it later on. I ignored my gut feelings in past relationships. I felt something wasn't right but just carried on until one day it could not be ignored any longer. If something doesn't feel right, there's always some truth to it. My body can sense when something isn't right for me. I pay attention to my gut instinct and trust that my intuition is onto something.
5. I spend time alone.
I spend time alone because I need to stop absorbing others' energies. I need alone time regularly to detox from the world, find center again and balance myself. When I constantly surround myself with others, it is impossible to ground myself. I make time for myself on a regular basis. I meditate daily. I go for walks by myself to the Post Office. I get to know myself, by myself.
6. I speak my mind.
If I hold back what I really want to say, I get sick. Seriously, I'll get a migraine. I need to speak my truth and be heard. This doesn't mean I need to always speak my truth, but finding one space where I can honestly and freely communicate is something I need. Usually it's a journal, or a close friend, and sometimes it's a support group. I'm personally a big fan of writing, support groups, coffee dates with friends, and therapy.
7. I surround myself with people who accept me exactly as I am.
It is really difficult for me to be my authentic self when the people who are around me are not those who accept me. I remember a time in my life when I discovered something new about myself and chose to change my way of life. Some people judged me and didn't accept me. I surround myself with people who respect and support me. I let go of those who are judgmental and critical of me.
8. I discriminate information.
I was not designed to swallow information whole. I make information my own. I don't absorb everything around me. I ask myself a couple questions: What does this information mean to me? Is it important to me? These things are what make information relevant, meaningful and important to me.
9. I know it's okay to let people down sometimes.
I am a human being; I am fallible. I will continue to make mistakes and let people down at times. Being true to myself means that I am okay setting boundaries with others, even if it feels like I am letting them down. People that I want around are people that will accept my boundaries and opinions.
10. I accept myself entirely.
I am loyal to myself. I am a beautiful, messy and lovable creature. We are all beautiful creatures, displaying our own unique array of colorful personalities. Our biggest challenge in life is accepting the whole spectrum of ourselves and of those around us. It's a journey of a lifetime, one that can not be easily mastered overnight. But the one thing I do know is this: it is entirely worth it.
The life of an entrepreneur is not without its challenges. Often days are cluttered with business meetings, sifting through emails, reaching out to potential clients, monitoring social media, and tracking business growth, just to name a few. Juggling all of these responsibilities and maintaining a mindset of always being ready to hustle can be quite draining in the long haul.
However, without proper relaxation, even the most motivated entrepreneurs can suffer the consequences of sustaining an intense work ethic without proper rest.
Here are 10 ways that entrepreneurs can easily de-stress from their responsibilities and energize for the days ahead.
1. Identify Sources of Stress
The first step to destressing is pinpointing the most direct causes of stress from your daily routine
With so many daily responsibilities to balance, entrepreneurs can have stress stemming from several sources, so this step may seem redundant and unhelpful, but the practice of identifying these sources of discomfort can be crucial in crafting a plan to deal with these ongoing pressures.
Curbing stress can be an involved process, but taking the time to find the exact causes of stress can help with the overall process of combating these feelings.
2. Hit the Gym
Daily exercise is one of the most beneficial practices for everyone, especially for entrepreneurs trying to blow off steam or escape from the discomforts of their busy everyday lives.
In addition, exercise doesn’t have to consist of lifting heavy weights or running long distances; simply being active for an hour a day can have both physical and mental health benefits. Getting in better shape and frequent exercise can lead to more overall energy and a better mental state to deal with sources of stress.
3. Turn Away from Technology
"Today everything from entertainment to business is conducted through the Internet, and so most people find themselves 'plugged in' multiple hours a day, if not longer,” says Deep Patel, the founder of Owlmetrics, an Instagram analytics tool. Entrepreneurs in particular may be checking the Internet and social media for a large part of the day to conduct their daily responsibilities. Eventually, these tasks and their accompanying stress can become increasingly associated with technology.
Taking a break from looking at screens and checking the Internet can afford entrepreneurs a much-needed break from whatever has been influencing their stress. In addition, this escape from technology can allow them to reflect on their lives outside of business and technology, which can ultimately help identify sources of stress.
4. Early to Bed
Many entrepreneurs carry the prevailing attitude to always stay busy. Although this mindset works wonders for business interests, it is less than beneficial for those people who forego other needs like sleep to attack their other projects.
Productivity is fine, but a lack of restful sleep can be a contributing factor in feelings of stress building up. By endeavoring to go to sleep earlier or fitting short periods of rest in busy days, stress can largely be eliminated since the body and mind are given ample time to recover from the weight of daily responsibilities.
5. Pick Up a Hobby
Working nonstop can become such a tedious, repetitive cycle, that it’s no wonder why entrepreneurs can become so affected by stressful emotions. One remedy for this issue is picking up a simple hobby.
Nothing complex or mind-wracking is needed; in fact, according to Harvard researcher Herbert Benson, simpler, more repetitive hobbies like knitting and stitching have been proven to reduce stress levels. Since the practice is easy yet continuous, it can help take a person’s mind off whatever is causing them stress, even for a little while.
6. Listen to Good Music
Classical music has long been associated with certain destressing qualities, like slowing your heart rate and lowering blood pressure. However, listening to music you like can have the added benefit of filling your brain with chemicals like dopamine that cause warmer feelings of comfort.
Entrepreneurs feeling the weight of the world on their back could benefit greatly from setting aside some time everyday, when the feelings of stress are at their worst, to sit down and put on some of their favorite tunes. Taking in those moments can combat feelings of stress and even motivate people to get back to work with greater energy.
7. Buy a Plant
Not all cures to stress have to be complicated. Studies have shown plants to possess a unique calming effect that can counteract rising stress levels. Entrepreneurs can simply buy a small houseplant and place it somewhere inconspicuous like their office desk.
Then, when the feelings of stress hit hardest, they can reduce those feelings, even slightly, just by being around that tiny houseplant.
8. Get a Snack
Stress eating gets the stigma of pigging out on unhealthy junk foods instead of dealing with outside pressures. Although eating unhealthy foods definitely doesn’t help your situation, eating a snack when feeling stressed actually isn’t as bad as it’s made out to be.
Having a moderate, filling snack can immediately fight against stress because the brain will no longer receive signals of hunger or malnourishment. Entrepreneurs who have a mindful snack when feeling stressed can reduce those feelings drastically.
9. Breathe Deeply
Sometimes the easiest way to cope with stress is by simply stepping back and taking a deep breath. Dr. Herbert Benson states that breathing exercises can help reduce stress by putting the body in a more relaxed state.
So entrepreneurs feeling the weight of their responsibilities especially heavily can just take a few breaths to reduce their blood pressure and reduce stress and tension from within.
10. Go for a Short Walk
Stress happens. Entrepreneurs can pretty much accept it as fact that doing business goes hand in hand with feeling pressured. Coping with these tensions may seem difficult, but something as insignificant as a short walk can be the cure.
Slowing your stride and reflecting on the past day can help ground the emotions of people experiencing heavy stress, especially when they feel like they’ve been rushing through everything else at a thousand miles an hour.
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I believe there is an exchange in everything we do. When I sit down at a restaurant, I expect to pay for my meal. When I go to a concert, or a movie, or a museum, I can’t get in without paying for a ticket. I see my writing the same way.
Writing is my life’s work, my passion. I put everything I have into each piece that I write. There is value in my work. I am providing something – my heart, my wisdoms, my insights, my thoughts and feelings.
This is my passion and it is also my job. I would be so grateful if you would honor my work and support my craft. This way, I can keep writing and you can keep reading.
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Do you write every day?, someone recently asked me.
I do write every day, about my perspectives and observations about the world around me. I jot things down on a notepad that I carry in my hobo bag. I send emails and texts to myself on my iPhone, mostly one-liners and quotes. I scribble words and phrases on scrap pieces of paper on the desk in my studio. I journal... a lot!
A fun way to get to know me is through personal blogs and videos, and support an indie author at the same time, through Patreon. With a monthly subscription you'll be privy'd to pieces of my life that I don't share anywhere else, not even here on my Blog Spot.
Inspirational quotes, stories about my day (which are never ordinary or repetitive) and videos of my talks will be available to you. I'm excited about sharing my life's journey and inspiring others to write about theirs.
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My brothers and I piled into the station wagon while our mother stocked it full of the usual beach necessities: a huge thermal jug full of iced tea, pails & shovels, magazines, suntan oil, beach towels, a blanket and a big umbrella. This particular July morning was chilly, hazy and overcast. The drive to Sherwood Island in Westport, Connecticut, felt longer than usual from the woods of Bethel. I was anxious to get my feet in the sand.
I was 12 years old listening to Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Are" on the car radio. Sitting in the backseat, I stared out the open window as the wind flowed through my long curly dirty-blonde hair. The warmth of the sun shined on my freckled face, my innocent green eyes watched as we sped past tall trees, southbound on Route 53.
Cracked tar was covered with sand, the roadway leading to the beach hadn't been fixed in years. My brothers and I scrambled out of the car as soon as it was parked, grabbing things from the back of the station wagon. As my mother ran to catch up with the boys, I staggered behind.
The sun broke through the haze, the clouds were gone. I walked slowly on the path of tall grass and sand, past the shaded area full of tall trees and lush green grass, hibachi grills and picnic tables. I walked with confidence for the first time ever, wearing a sky-blue and white bikini. An unfamiliar type of music blared from boomboxes in the picnic area, a type of music I had never heard before - disco. I turned to look in the direction of where the music was coming from.
As I turned my head, I noticed a boy. He was sitting on a picnic table about 20 yards away, with his feet resting on the bench. He was tall, about 6'2", with smooth dark skin. He stared at me, didn't take his eyes off of me.
The world slowed down at that moment and sounds were muffled. My eyes met his and we both smiled shyly at each other. My grin grew as he whispered "hi" and waved just a little bit. I kept walking slowly, still looking at him and smiling as his eyes sparkled and his smile grew even bigger.
For the first time in my life, I knew what it felt to be beautiful. A boy I had never met before gave me that gift.
I ran down to the beach where my mother had laid the blanket and propped the umbrella in the sand. My brothers played in the water with a bunch of other kids while I walked out along the stone-breaker, watching the waves crash upon them.
Here I am today at the age of 52, and I can still smell the salt air of that day, hear the seagulls and the waves, feel the sun shining down on me, and I can still see that boy smiling.
One year ago today, I modeled for a photographer in Flagstaff, Arizona. During the past year we became close friends. When I told him this story of the summer of 1978, I knew it was him that I saw. Sometimes life hands you exactly what you need, and it's a sin if you don't reach back and take a chance. Our journey together begins today, nearly 40 years after we met, and one year after we found each other again.
Do I believe in fate? I can say this - "I am no longer skeptical!"
"I wasn't supposed to be here," Zushka said, as we sat at a little table in the corner of Macy's Coffee Shop in downtown Flagstaff, Arizona. "There's literally no reason why I should be alive."
Zushka Biros is a recovered anorexic, a survivor of rape and abuse, but her story doesn't end there.
"Trauma comes in all different flavors," she goes on to tell us. "It isn't immune to economic status, your ethnic or religious background. It doesn't care what type of family you come from or how rich or poor you are."
She goes deep into exposing her demons, her blunt honesty is impressive. She doesn't sugarcoat anything. What is surprising is that Zushka has processed her tragedies in a unique sort of way - through photography.
"I picked up a camera 6 months ago. After modeling for a few years, I decided I wanted to be on the other side of the lens. Starting with landscapes and posed models, my addiction for photography began. But then, something unexpected happened."
I listened as she told the story of a model who approached her, asking for a photo shoot. "Her name is Abby and she has a studio across the hall from mine in Jerome. She asked me to do a shoot with her and I said 'Would you like to go down to the basement?' She didn't even bat an eye - 'yes!' she said. Then it got interesting."
Through the character of Abby, Zushka was allowed to express her personal distress and pain. "What better place than a dark basement to face the crippling effects that grief and suffering had on my life."
Not only was the photo shoot cathartic for Zushka, but for Abby as well. "To share a space with a woman, to share a space with a woman artist, to share so many similarities despite age and conditions, to be made to feel beautiful and safe, to wake up to images of myself that made me feel like my life is worth living... You are a gift. This is a gift. I hope this is just the beginning." - Abby
The Naked Truth - Triumph Over Trauma will begin at 6:15 p.m. on Thursday, June 7th, at The Church of the Red Rocks in Sedona, Arizona, followed by a short Q&A with Zushka.
Don't hit snooze! Seriously, read this.
It's 7 a.m. on Monday and you have to be at work in two hours. You’re tired and grumpy, and it’s cold outside. You do not want to get out of bed. We’ve all been there and it’s not fun. Having a good morning ritual can make your mornings more productive and improve your mood and energy levels for the rest of your day. Here are a few of my favorite tips for making waking up and getting out of bed easier:
1. Drink Water Before Going to Sleep
Do we drink enough water during the day? Drinking water before going to sleep you will cause you to need to to use the bathroom in the morning. Needing to use the bathroom will make you want to get up and prevent you from falling back to sleep. Hey, it's a trick that works. Try it.
2. Open your Blinds Before Going to Sleep
Leaving your blinds open at night will allow the sun to enter your room and wake you up. Most people have a hard time sleeping when a room is bright. A dark room is more conducive to sleep. The sun is a source of vitamin D, which is a natural source of energy. The sun also reminds our mind and body that it’s daytime and that we should be awake and energized. For me, as soon as the sun rises, I'm up.
3. Eat Before Going to Sleep
One of the reasons why you may feel groggy in the morning is because you’ve gone a long time since eating. A small snack before bed can help prevent this. I usually eat an easy to digest food such as yogurt, nuts and/or peanut butter. (Eating pizza before bed is a bad idea. I know, I've tried it!)
4. Set your Alarm Clock to Play your Favorite Music
There's nothing worse than the sound of an alarm clock. Set your alarm to play music that makes you happy. Something fast and upbeat. The first thought in your head each day be a bright one. Recently, there are two songs that I listen to first thing in the morning to get me moving: Me Too by Meghan Trainor; and Eat Sleep Rave Repeat by Fatboy Slim.
5. Place Your Phone (or Alarm Clock) Away From Your Bed
By placing your phone or alarm clock across the room, you will be forced to get out of bed to turn it off. Getting out of bed is often the hardest part about waking up in the morning. By getting out of bed faster, you increase the likelihood of starting your day rather than going back to sleep. Having your phone or alarm clock next your bed makes it easier to press the snooze button and sleep longer. Once you are out of bed, it’s usually easier to stay up and get your day going.
6. Consume Caffeine Shortly After Waking Up
You may feel groggy for the first hour or two after waking up. Feeling groggy leads to lower productivity, and means more time spent on certain tasks than is necessary. To eliminate the morning groggy feeling, drink coffee shortly after waking up. Drink LOTS of coffee! It prevents you from wanting to go back to sleep, and will give you the energy you need to get your morning started.
7. Exercise in the Morning
Get outside and walk. Some light exercise in the morning will get your endorphins flowing and give you more energy. Weight training or a class at the gym are great options if that's what you're into. Whatever it is, get your body moving. Getting outside is always best - fresh air is always good for your body, mind and soul.
8. Eat When You Wake Up
Like I said earlier, while sleeping for eight hours you haven’t provided your body with any sustenance. A small and easy-to-digest meal in the morning will give you a boost of energy. I recommend a piece of fruit, yogurt or oatmeal.
9. Do Something Fun in the Morning
Stimulating your mind by doing an enjoyable activity will give you energy. If you schedule it in advance, knowing that you will be doing something fun will make you more eager to get out of bed in the morning. It could be a phone conversation with a friend, reading, or a yoga class - choose something that inspires you.
10. Be Accountable
Schedule something with somebody in the morning. Being accountable to someone is one of the most effective motivators. Schedule a breakfast or workout with a friend. It will give you a kick-start in the morning.
11. Keep a Routine
Look, none of us are perfect. Keeping a regular and consistent sleep schedule helps your body get into a natural rhythm. Go to sleep and wake up at the same time each day. By doing so you will begin to naturally fall asleep and wake up at the same time each day. Waking up will feel more natural. In addition, it will help you fall asleep at a more regular schedule.
I'm adding one more position to my ever-growing resume: Motivational Speaker
While working in my Jerome studio this lovely Sunday afternoon, a small group of Canadians wandered in. "What do you do here?" one of them asked. I gave them the four-cent-tour, showing them the featured artist of the month's paintings on display in my gallery, a table full of my photography, my book The Secret Butterfly Trail for sale, autographed of course, and some of my modeling photos. They enjoyed the free coffee and goodies too.
The questions came and I answered them like I usually do - animated, smiling, full of laughs and one-liners, like "I was raised by hippies in the middle of the woods in Connecticut." But once the conversation started, I explained simply and matter-of-factly how I ended up in Jerome, and Sedona, and Michigan, and how I talk to the Universe every day, surrender and live in a constant state of gratitude (with a little humor and sarcasm thrown in). One of the visitors said "You should be a motivational speaker, if you aren't already."
"Oh, no. I'm much too busy with photo workshops and designing websites, drawing floor-plans and arranging First Saturday Art Walks." Seriously, could I add one more thing to my busy schedule? I mean, I'm already in need of a Personal Assistant and probably a couple other helpers. I couldn't possibly be a public speaker too.
"You're famous," said an older man with bright eyes and a big smile. I stared at him for a few seconds, then looked at the rest of the group. They were all looking at me the same way. "Well, I'm not famous. But I have done some public speaking, and I talk to groups just the way I've talked to you here today, like I talk to friends about my life-stories."
We hung out on the comfy couches in my studio, sipping coffee and talking and laughing. The best part: they opened up about their personal lives, sharing their tragically beautiful stories with me. After an hour or so, the sister of the other man said "You've been through more than most people, and look at you - you're doing great. Would you mind talking to my daughter? She's struggling."
I don't know what I'd say to her daughter, except the same sort of things I say to my own, which is pretty basic. "Do a little bit of everything and see what sticks. When something clicks, and you obsess over it and can't wait to try it again, do that for a while and see where it goes. Have a vision and don't wander away from that vision. Keep your vision alive, every single day." That was how I got into photography, and everything else I do with passion. I didn't take a class or study with a master. I picked up a camera and started experimenting and sharing my photos with the photographers I modeled for. Sounds like simple advice, and it is, but you also have to be willing to sacrifice and fail, over and over and over again. I'm a pro at that!
Motivational Speaker - Why not? I'll give it a whirl. Like with everything else I create in my life, I'll jump in feet first and figure it out as I go. Like one of my favorite motivational speakers, Tom Bilyeu, says:
"No one is born a visionary. You cultivate that s**t." - Tom Bilyeu
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I rarely ever share an article that wasn't written by yours truly, but this one by Dinah W. Brin crushes it. As a busy freelancer, these reminders come in handy, and they are how I do what I do. Check it out:
Any small business owner or freelancer bursting with ideas and overwhelmed by projects may need help staying focused and organized. This is especially true for the easily distracted entrepreneur.
Shiny objects - email, Facebook, the phone, the dog — can sidetrack anyone, leaving you foraging for important papers or just trying to figure out how to start your workday.
If you find yourself bouncing from task to task, becoming more frazzled as you struggle to make real progress, consider trying a new tack to minimize distraction and establish some order.
A combination of meditation, planning, written goal-setting, bite-sized work sessions, productivity apps, accountability buddies, exercise and delegation may work for you. Here are a few tips to consider for getting organized and on track in 2018.
Write down your daily goals and steps for getting there — and follow that plan"Storing all of your goals in your head just isn't enough; if you don't already create daily goals, it's time to integrate this into your routine. Every morning, make a short list of milestones for the day," says Hannah Wright, co-founder and CEO of cloud HR software firm HR Partner.
"The act of recording your goals is much more powerful because you are far less likely to forget your tasks, and it also allows you to hold yourself accountable," says Wright.
Licensed clinical social worker Kelsey Torgerson recommends that people set a schedule for the day, figuring out what needs to be done immediately, within the week and within the month. "Stick to a schedule so that you know you'll spend at least an hour on this task before moving onto the next one," she says.
ADHD author David Greenwood batches together similar or smaller tasks to complete in one stretch, which helps him "get in the zone" on projects.
Your daily goals should be part of a larger objective.
"Every business owner should be operating from a strategic plan. This plan should include an overarching vision, a path to achieving that vision and the milestones that need to be hit along the away," says David Scarola, The Alternative Board's chief experience officer.
Break your work into manageable pieces — and take breaks. By unpacking a major goal into smaller steps, you'll see progress and gain momentum and confidence to propel you toward your overall objectives, emotional intelligence coach Harvey Deutschendorf says.
S. Frances Robbins, a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner with an online therapy practice, recommends establishing time blocks for working on specific tasks, starting with 20 minutes.
"Remove all distractions. If no internet is needed to complete this task, turn off your WiFi," she says. "If you need the Internet, then turn off the notifications and limit your screen to only those areas you need to complete your work."
Take a short break after this dedicated work session, said Robbins, but set a timer, "or your 10-minute break could easily turn into an hour."
Free or low-cost time-tracking apps like TimeCamp and Toggl, project management software like Wrike and Asana, and your trusty computer, paper or cloud-based calendar can help you stay focused, organized and on top of business.
Tech entrepreneur Mike Brummett, founder and CEO of startup Sensory A.I., keeps a Google Keep tab open, using the note-taking service to set reminders for tasks, follow-ups and even prompts to go get some fresh air.
Tend to mind and body. Exercise, meditation and mindful focus on breathing can help keep you centered, calm and on track. Rest and good nutrition are important, too.
"Getting the proper sleep is critical. The brain repairs itself during sleep and it's one of the best ways to ensure you have the ability to focus the next day," says Greenwood, author of Overcoming Distractions: Thriving with Adult ADD/ADHD. "By the same token, exercise needs to be a part of your life. ... I need to get some type of physical activity at least every 48 hours or I have issues with focus."
Twenty minutes to an hour of exercise a day can keep your mind focused, according to Robbins.
Mindfulness, through meditation, focused breathing or other methods, can also be effective.
"Help your brain stay focused by taking breaks for deep breathing, and just build them into your schedule so that you know they're coming," says Torgerson.
Brummett says mindfulness and meditation apps like Headspace have "helped on those mornings and afternoons where there are important meetings or personal events that seem to overwhelm my mind."
Physically limit distractions. You may need to close a door, get away from your regular work space or find another way to tangibly block distractions.
"Noise-cancelling headphones are my godsend," Brummett says. "You can shut out the world when you're in the zone and keep up the momentum."
Limit your personal social media accounts and your access to them, perhaps checking only once a day. The same goes for any other internet rabbit holes that tend to steal your time and attention.
If you find that you can't resist Twitter or Facebook, try an extension like Work Mode or StayFocusd that will block them for you during work.
Find an accountability buddy to help you stay committed to achieving your goals. "Clients who struggle the most with getting focused really benefit from weekly accountability check-ins from either a coach, friend, family member or colleague. This looks like someone sending them an email or text to ask them what their three main accomplishments were the previous week, and what their three main priorities are in the coming week," said career coach Rebecca Beaton.
"I personally do this with a friend each week — we both check in with each other," she says, "and I find it helps me to laser focus in on what's important, while avoiding 'shiny object' syndrome."
I thought about starting this blog with, "I've spent years trying to figure this love thing out." And although that sentence is true, I'm so far removed from it that it doesn't even make sense to me anymore. What is there to figure out? Do we ever really figure out love?
Here I am at 52, in a new relationship. Is it great? Sometimes. And other times, not. Hearing someone ask "could he be the one?" irks me to no end. It's like listening to fingernails on a chalkboard. "No, there is no one", I tell them.
I was married twice. Well, technically three times, if you count my first husband, whom I married, divorced, married and divorced, again. Let me start over. I was married three times, to two men. (That sounds like I married two men three times, but you get it.)
Marriage, what a concept! What does marriage have to do with love? At my age I should have some answers, but I don't. I'm winging it through this life. You're probably thinking, why should I bother reading the rest of this blog? Hang on, it gets better!
I will tell you this: there is no love better than loving yourself. I know, it sounds cliche. Self-love is plastered all over social media, and that's not such a bad thing. There is overkill, though. But for those who don't know how to love themselves, I'm glad that self-love quotes and images are out there for everyone to see on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and the like. A simple glance while scrolling through news feeds can spark something, anything that might help someone who really needs to hear it.
I came across how to love myself the hard way, as usual. Nothing ever comes to me easily. Long before social media influences, books on the matter and support groups, I was alone out there in the vast wilderness of self-loathing, clinging to men for validation. "Choose me, love me, don't leave me!" I soon learned I was not alone. The majority of women I knew were in the same boat, and it was headed down the rapids.
How did we get this way? Were we raised to be needy with no self-value, unless, of course, a man gave it to us? I could analyze that for hours, but I won't bore you. You know who you are and how you got here. None of that really matters anyway. What does matter is what we did next.
We, the insecure ladies of the world with no self-confidence, battered and beaten by motherhood, careers and marriages, managed to pull ourselves out of the miserable world of waiting - waiting for a man to love us, to give us what we thought we deserved. We woke the fuck up. At least, that's how the scenario went for me.
In my personal experience, a mental breakdown was necessary. I left. I walked away from my home, my kids, my husband, everything. It wasn't a choice. I had given myself away, so much so that there was nothing left to give. I prided myself on being a martyr, the do-gooder, the worrier, the saint, the caretaker. I was everything to everyone. I sacrificed myself. And no one put a gun to my head, I did this all on my own.
It was only when I lost myself, and I mean all of myself, that I hit rock bottom and was ready to build myself back up, for the first time in my life, and I was only 35. I wasn't ready to look at my part, but I was ready to crawl into a therapist's office and whisper my secrets. Even that didn't come easily for me. I'd rather talk about my latest nail color, or redecorating my living room, or my recent trip to the beach in Mexico. You know, the bullshit that we think is real. Over time, and a prescription for Prozac, the words flowed out of me like an uncontrollable river of obscenity, betrayal and infidelity.
Like wading through quicksand I grasped at anything I could to get myself out of the mess that I created. Blaming others was no longer allowed. I was all there was to blame. Through the muck I went, like pulling a hair-clog out of a bathtub drain, full of goop and nastiness, I verbally vomited all over my therapist's office. Thank goodness for her, this angel in my life. For the first time ever, someone allowed me to be me. And even I wasn't sure who I was.
I learned how to love myself, and how to be happy with just me. I didn't take a class or go to a seminar. I got on a bicycle and rode for 28 days through the bike trails of Southwestern Michigan. But that's a story for another day. My point is, I had to be alone and be okay with it. I was alone, and I felt like shit.
It was painful, like I was being reborn. Literally, I felt like I was being pushed out of the womb, gasping for air. It was life or death for me, there was no middle ground. When big changes come my way, they're dramatic, never subtle. Slowly, I began with little things. Self-love, for me, meant taking long hot baths using essential oils like lavender and eucalyptus, drinking herbal teas and listening to soothing music. Long walks alone, putting my bare feet on the earth and meditating. Spending long periods of time in quietness, journaling and sleeping were my favorite things to do. Over time I started to feel happiness, and I don't mean constant-happiness. I thought that was the goal. It's not realistic. I learned that I could be happy even in the worst situations. Happiness is a state of being, and certainly not a permanent place of bliss. That's something else entirely.
I learned what happiness was and how to get there, which naturally evolved into self-love. I was in love with me, happy and content. I no longer needed someone else so that I could feel gratification. I was doing that all on my own. I took care of myself, held myself accountable and became responsible. This didn't happen overnight, it took years.
Relationships with men came and went over time, and I learned more about myself through each one of them. Each of them, the one for me, at the time. And that's when an epiphany hit me like a two-by-four to the head. I was ready for a committed, mature relationship. Wow, I never thought those words would come out of my mouth!
Just when I wasn't looking, he appeared. He wasn't a knight in shining armor riding in on a white horse to save me. I wasn't a damsel in distress needing to be rescued. This wasn't a fairytale, it was real life. I was a mess after three solid days of writing, starving and standing at a grocery store deli, waiting for my turn and eyeballing the fried chicken in the deli-case. He was standing nearby, wearing a t-shirt and shorts, attempting to make small-talk with me. I was in no mood for that. Finally, I was served, sat down in the corner of the grocery store cafe and began scarfing down the chicken and coleslaw. He approached me again, and I wrote down my website and handed it to him, not expecting to ever hear from him.
But a couple months later he found me, in of all places on a Facebook advertisement for my latest book. He commented, "Hey, I met you at the deli!" From there, we messaged each other, and I agreed to meeting him the next day to sell him a signed copy of my book. Sure enough, the following day he walked into my work studio, handed me a twenty dollar bill and asked, "Are you hungry?"
"I'm starving," I said, and off we went to The Asylum, which for those of you who are not familiar with Jerome, Arizona, The Asylum is one of the best restaurants in town, my favorite. That was three months ago and we've been together pretty much most of the time since. It wasn't love at first sight. It was something much more meaningful than that. It was friendship, which grew into compassion and understanding, which evolved effortlessly into a deep loving relationship.
If you got anything out of this blog, I hope that it is this:
Be happy with who you are, and then fall in love. Fall in love with yourself first. Don't go looking for someone to love you. If it happens, let it happen naturally. Stay away from fairytales, they'll only let you down. And when the one drifts into your world, open up and let him in.
I am living the dream, one day at a time, and sharing my experiences with you.
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© 2016 ZUSHKA BIROS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.