Being Old-Fashioned in a Modern World

Traditional is not a word that I would use to describe myself. I'm not into gender roles or conventional ways. I am far out on the other end of the spectrum of socially acceptable standards. I am the polar-opposite of traditional. That's pretty much how I've always been. Even when I was a kid, I struggled to identify with what I thought I was supposed to be. My choices were limited, and I wasn't having any of it. I've been bucking the system since I was born. 

And yet, there are certain charming attributes of a time-gone-by that I find endearing. There are some nostalgic, precious customs that make sense to me. And it only took 53 years for this side of me to be revealed. 

Relationships have not been easy for me. I've had my share of difficulties, heartache and trauma. Did I pick the wrong guys? Probably. But those guys were just being who they were, and I chose to jump right into their chaos. I thrived on the drama.

Ten years ago, I learned about myself, erased the victim-role and cleaned up my side of the street. But it didn't happen overnight. During those early years of recovery, I had a short-lived relationship with a drug dealer, a long-distance relationship for several months with someone I barely knew, and a 3-year marriage that ended with a prison sentence (his, not mine). Since that time, I've had unorthodox relationships with a few guys, but I have no regrets. All of them were authentic. I entered into each one with eyes wide open and learned more and more about myself. 

What happened next was surprising. Almost 11 months ago to the day, I had a conversation with a friend about dating, specifically dating him. He was someone I liked and trusted, someone who I thought would be able to handle dating me. He was confident and secure, independent and creative. He was self-employed, ambitious and thought outside-the-box, not to mention, tall, dark and gorgeous. But what was interesting then was, I was talking about dating, a word I never used. Dating meant commitment, and I certainly wasn't going down that road, or so I thought.

Was I giving up on life? Was I delusional? Was I having a midlife crisis? The answer was a big NO. Seriously, I woke up one morning with the epiphany that I was ready for a mature committed relationship, and there he was. Not immediately, and certainly not like a knight in shining armor, whisking me away on his white horse to a "happily forever after" nightmare. But, he was there, steady and sure, like a rock.

Here we are, 11 months later, after making a conscious decision to date, communicating what are needs were and putting together a plan of how this would work for us. Again, being unconventional people, we don't follow the rules. However, here's where I ironically discovered my old-fashionedness.

 The list looks something like this:

• I like it when he opens the car door for me. At first, this was weird. I'm a grown woman, I am capable of opening my own car door. It wasn't easy getting used to him insisting on opening the car door for me. I think we may have even gotten into a little dispute about it, while I stood there at the car and him trying to open the door for me. He made me shut the door so that he could open it. 11 months later, I expect him to open the car door for me. It's the little things like this that show me that he respects me.

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• He won't let me walk street-side. This was new to me too. When we walk down the sidewalk together, he makes sure that he is walking closest to the street. I was baffled at first, didn't even ask why he was doing it. Apparently, if a car was going to swerve off the road and onto the sidewalk, I won't be the first one hit. 11 months later, I automatically walk away from the street-side on the sidewalk. I like the ways he shows me that he's a gentleman. 

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• When I need alone time, he understands. When I need a few days away each week to recuperate, energize my batteries and get a ton of work done, he gives me space. He doesn't question why, or get insecure. He's a man, not a boy. He honors me and supports what is best for me. 11 months later, he can tell when I need alone time quicker than I can. I love how this shows me he can sense my needs instinctually. 

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• He is sensitive to a lot of things, like what my favorite foods are, what my daily routine is like, the kinds of movies and music I love, how busy I am with work, how much sleep I need - you name it, he's on it! He pays attention. He notices everything. He remembers all of it. 11 months later, it's almost like he can read my mind. I love that he knows me so well. It shows that he really understands everything about me.

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• Compassionate - his biggest quality. I'm not perfect. I have issues, and I continue to work on them no matter how much time goes by. I'm a lot better than I was years ago, but there are things that still creep into my life when I least expect it. Here's the thing - he doesn't leave. When I'm cranky, he still wants to be around me. When I'm having a meltdown, he wants to hear all about it. When anxiety hits me hard, he's right there comforting me with his words and a long, warm hug. When I fall apart, he lifts me up, and helps me put myself back together again. 11 months later, he's still just as consistent now as he was then. I love how he shows me that he's true to his word - he's in this for the long haul.

With all that he does for me, the very things that I thought would make me less independent, have actually just simply softened me. Opening my car door, walking street-side, holding my hand, cooking dinner for me, giving me space, taking me out on dates, wanting to be with me when life gets hard, listening to me without fixing me - doesn't take away my strength. I'm still a strong independent woman. What he does for me, complements me. In other words, it adds to my strength, it doesn't take away from it. I have grown accustomed to, and enjoy some beautiful precious old-fashioned customs and ways. I would have never known this about myself if it had not been for him. 

I'm happy to report that there is light at the end of the tunnel for us, ladies - those of us badass women who do everything for ourselves, refuse the help of others and take matters into our own control. Listen up! It is okay. Better than that, it is a blessing when a warrior steps up and is honored to be a part of our lives. Let him in. I know, it'll be a challenge at first. You'll want to do things your way. Compromise a little, let him cherish you. Keep being who you are, state your boundaries and communicate at all costs. Then, watch the magic happen. We don't need to be alone, or insist on always doing everything by ourselves. There is something delicate and heart-warming in the ways he will show up and be unwavering. Take him for his word, because it is gold. Trust him completely, because he is safe. Love him for all that he is, because he is honest. Know that all he does is for you, because you are a goddess.

Enjoy the sweet little things he will do for you, because they are huge in comparison to what you've struggled with before. Here's the best part - cherish him back, just as hard and as gently as he does you. You're in for the ride of your life, trust me. And remember, it is absolutely alright to be a little old-fashioned in this day and age. Some things have stood the test of time, and they are still just as important today as they were then. 

Thanks for reading.
Zushka