Detours are great for showing me what I'm really passionate about doing, instead of what I think I'm supposed to want to be doing. Being thrown off-course isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm returning to my first love - writing.
It's been a long time coming, but there is a new book in the works, and at least the title has been knocked out. Throwing together my insights and experiences into a frank and candid book about what it's like to be a woman in the 21st century, I write just like the way I talk, so expect the F-bomb, hysterical humor and a whole lot of honesty. No matter your age, background or ethnicity, we ladies all go through the same bullshit. It's time to take back our power and own it.
badass is the new pretty will be released at the end of 2019, just in time for the holidays. In the meantime, subscribe to my blog and get periodic updates.
I'm excited about this latest chunk of writing, what this new year has in store for me, and for sharing a big part of it with you.
I'm the last person to ask advice from when it comes to relationships, but this is what I know for sure:
Love is a decision. It is not a fairytale. Do you want a relationship that will last? Are you ready for commitment? If you are, you have to be open to compromise, honest communication and making someone else a priority in your life. Create a solid foundation with your partner, built on trust, compassion and understanding. What does that mean? It means talking, a lot. And not just to have a conversation about the weather or small talk about the latest trends, movies, restaurants, blah blah blah. I'm talking, TALKING. Tell him about your fears and insecurities. Show him who you are - the real you, not what the world thinks you are. It takes courage and vulnerability to allow a relationship to grow and expand.
Don't be afraid to speak your truth. Tell him what your boundaries are in a relationship, what your needs are and what you are able to offer him in a partnership. And ask him what his boundaries and needs are, and what he is able to offer you. A good solid relationship that has a chance of lasting has to be based on a decision to do just that, first. It is a decision.
Get deep, even if it scares you a little bit. Make eye contact. Hold his hand, or massage his foot - physical contact is important while reaching out and having meaningful dialogue. Choose your words carefully, speak from your heart and always bring the focus back to you. Give him the opportunity to speak and don't interrupt each other. Listen, and I don't mean just with your ears. Really listen, give each other your full attention.
A strong loving relationship begins long before the bedroom. I know, I know... it's one of the first things we all want to do. But seriously, wait. For some of us, we already know that jumping into bed with someone too quickly, ends the relationship quickly. Be best friends first. Make that phone call in the middle of the day, asking him how his day is going. Tell him about your day. Be the last voice he hears on the phone before he falls asleep at night. Stay connected throughout the day. Send the text, letting him know you're thinking of him. It's okay to be cute and sweet. My guy sends me a corny line once a week for good measure.
Get out and do things that you both love. Take photos when you're out on a hike, see movies together, discover new restaurants or pack a picnic lunch and go to a park. Check out that band, or go to that rave together. Dance. Play. No matter what your age is, loosen up and discover new things with him. Let go of what the world told you you were supposed to be. Get real, and share that with him.
Look, there should be no one else on the planet you should want to be with more than him, so be exactly who you are, without fear. Accept him for exactly who he is, without judgement or criticism. It is true, that we show people how we want to be treated. Show him, by example.
Not everyone is the same. You may not agree on everything. Actually, you probably won't agree on everything, and that is totally okay. Learn each other's quirks and pet-peeves, and don't step all over them. Discuss, negotiate, compromise and adjust. That doesn't mean be a doormat. Find a healthy middle-ground. Trust me, it works.
Mean what you say, keep your promises and hold yourself accountable. It's not that hard. When you love someone, it's pretty easy. Allow trust to grow. Bond with him mentally, emotionally and physically. Make your home together your sacred space. Keep it a safe place where you both feel comfortable and free. Cook meals together, do the household chores together, discuss your finances together. Get ready to be mature and plan your future together.
If you're one of those "flight or fight" types, don't give up. When you feel the urge to bolt, stop. When you want to lash out at him for no apparent reason, don't. Take a moment, or a day or two, to be alone with your feelings, because it's not him that's making you feel that way. There's always stuff from our pasts that pop up when things might seem to be going too well. Don't self-sabotage. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, process it, let go of it and move on. Don't leave him in the dark, let him know what you're feeling. He will be glad you did, he will give you your space and he will be there when you get back. Trust him.
What are relationship goals? For me, it means being okay to be not okay, and knowing that he's not going to run away just because of that. It means making time to be together and not wavering from that. It means keeping our private life private, and not allowing drama in. It means keeping toxic people out of our relationship, respecting each other and honoring what we are creating together. It means knowing that I can depend on him, and he can depend on me. It means not making excuses and not holding back. It means believing in each other, supporting and encouraging one another. It means giving each other space when we need it, while still staying connected.
Anything worthwhile in life is worth the effort. And it takes effort to be in a mature committed relationship. But here's the thing - don't settle! Please, for the love of God, don't settle just because you don't want to be alone. You are worth more than that. That guy that's wild and crazy - yea, that's all that he is. Don't go there. That guy that's great in bed, but won't answer your calls any other time. Don't go there either. Respect yourself. Wait as long as it takes. Meet people and be aware of the red-flags. You deserve the best, and you can't make someone be something that they aren't, so don't try that either. We all have potential, but when that's all he's got, move on. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
That guy that's your best friend, the one who is there for you when a boyfriend dumps you and you're crying in the middle of the night. That guy who listens to you, looks forward to the times when he can spend a few minutes with you. That guy who thinks it's funny when you get tired and whiney. That guy who calls you just to see what's new in your life. That guy who surprises you with your favorite coffee. That guy who binge-watches Netflix and eats pizza with you, while you're in your pajamas all day, and you feel totally at ease with him. That guy who remembers your birthday, and everything else that's important to you. That guy who has seen you at your worst, and at your best, and likes you any way. That guy. Spend time with him.
Wow, I guess I had a lot of advice to give after-all. But remember, this is just one woman's opinion - my own personal experiences with the greatest guy I've ever met in my life. He was so worth the wait.
Thanks for reading.
I am living the dream, one day at a time, and sharing my experiences with you.
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