Meditation: Day 45

𝙳𝚊𝚢 𝟺𝟻 𝙼𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝙹𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚢

Anxiety and depression are no joke. I've struggled with them as far back as I can remember. Over the years, I have tried a variety of ways to heal the trauma that caused my PTSD symptoms to flare up, including a lot of therapy, a 12-Step program and other things that have resonated with me. Shamanic healing, Reiki treatments, Full-Moon and New-Moon practices, lots and lots of yoga, hiking the red rocks of Sedona, becoming Vegan and growing my own food, detoxing from everything, reading, singing bowl therapy, gong bathes, writing and meditation. 

After nearly 20 years of continuous healing, including recovery from anorexiaa, I was shocked just a few months ago, when, for whatever reasons, I was triggered in a catastrophic way. The anxiety was paralyzing. Then, the depression set in.

Sometimes it is hard to drag myself out, once it grabs ahold of me. I feel myself sinking, and it seems there's no way out.

Logic tells me that triggers will happen, they may never go away completely. Yet, I have the necessary tools to practice whenever I need them. However, logic doesn't matter when I'm in the thick of anxiety and depression.

I decided to dedicate time to self-care. What other choice did I have? It was serious, and if I brushed it off, or felt the urge to "just toughen up", I would flounder. I chose to eat well, I drank a lot of water and tea, slept a lot, and spent hours in aroma-therapy baths. I reached out to those closest to me. I did not isolate.

What really saved me was getting back into my meditation practice, which I had neglected for a couple of years.

You see, I once had a morning ritual, a daily practice, that I adhered to. However, I tend to drift away from it, from time to time. A couple of years is way too long to be away. But, I reminded myself that I am human, and it is all about progress, not perfection. My OCD doesn't help much either. With that said, I continue to be on this road of self-realization and healing. When the thought "I'm okay now, I don't have to do anything anymore" creeps into my mind, I know I'm in big trouble. That is usually when I drift away from what keeps me grounded, balanced and centered. There will never be a time when I don't need recovery.

Today is Day 45 of consecutive days in a meditation and journaling practice. And there's more - I created an altar 45 days ago too, adding to it whatever resonated with me. It's full of crystals, trinkets, antique keys, little Buddha statues, sage and candles. There is an Our Lady of Guadalupe white candle, a Day of the Dead woman, Guanyin, photos of family members (here and beyond), and a huge wall rosary hanging on the wall above the altar. 

Twenty days ago, I downsized from a house to an Artist's Retreat. I'm in a cozy room with my two French cats, Leo and Mazie, taking in gorgeous views in a historic building in the town that I love. The day before I moved in, I saged the empty room, opened the windows and sat on the window-seat. The sky turned dark, blustering winds picked up, and a thunderstorm rolled in. I watched the storm from as far as Sedona, over the Verde Valley and land right on top of Jerome. This is my favorite weather.

As I stared out the window, feeling the wind and enjoying the scent of the rain-soaked desert, I noticed something different. Although I had only moved no more than a half a mile away, the new view from my Artist's Retreat windows looked like Europe. (Trust me, I know how weird that sounds too.)

I had a clear view from here, instead of from where I was before. There were absolutely no obstacles in my way. The winding road was below me. The buildings looked like an old-world style of architecture. Where in the world was I?

Taking in the sights and sounds of the rainy afternoon, I felt a shift in energy, and it was big. Suddenly, anything that was no longer necessary in my life, simply melted away. Like a mountain of sugar (which is toxic, by the way), and with each gentle raindrop it dissolved little by little, until it was completely gone. 

You know what happens when you make yourself your first priority? Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, that no longer serves your greater good disappears, vanishes, goes away. That includes inappropriate loyalties to toxic relationships, people, places, and things. I shed the weight of what held me back, purged a lot of stuff, got rid of the things I no longer needed, and brought all of my focus back to me.

Honestly, I started doing these things 6 months ago, but it wasn't until my anxiety came out of the blue, that I had no other choice but to go deeper. Sometimes, anxiety and depression can be a blessing, if I look at it the right way.

It is always important for me to remember that "this too shall pass." Nothing lasts forever. I have no expectations, and I'm enjoying my life more than ever.

I am grateful for this day, and everything it has to offer. I am manifesting my best life yet, and looking forward to what's coming next. I am grateful for my Artist's Retreat, those whom I share my days with, and for the another pain-free day.

Here's to another 45 days... 45 years... of self-care and meditation.

Thanks for reading,
Zushka

Check this out:  You can find my works-in-progress, the 𝙼𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚅𝚒𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝙰𝚛𝚝𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔, by following me on Instagram 𝚊𝚝 @𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚋𝚢𝚣𝚞𝚜𝚑𝚔𝚊.
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